“Goddamn it, when will they get here?” Fritz Prejean wondered idly to himself. Today was, of course, he sixteenth birthday. His sweet sixteenth, as it were. But of course, he would never call it such a demeaning name; he believed himself too hardcore for such frivolity. However, his external ego was slowly diminishing amidst the absence of partygoers at his celebration. Three people had arrived thus far; a mousy kid in a hockey mask, a rather chubby, red-headed freckled boy fiddling dully with his PSP, and a very demented, nerdy looking girl who kept reciting the digits of pi to herself, seemingly as some sort of mode of self-comfort. Amazingly enough, Fritz did not know any of these people. ‘Why did I even let them in?’, Fritz wondered with a trace of amusement. However, the same question lingered over and over in his mind: why weren’t his real friends here? They had all said they would come, whether it had been by way of being coaxed into it or otherwise. He supposed he might as well do something to pass the time while his tardy friends slowly made their way over – surely they were just tardy, right?

Slowly and with a certain reserved grace, Fritz unlatched his saxophone case to remove the golden, slender instrument inside. It was truly a beautiful instrument – spotlessly clean and flawlessly designed, and perfectly in tune as Fritz put his lips to the fragile but powerful reed. The music the emanated from the woodwind was, indeed, something very special. Fritz was, in fact, quite a respectable sax player – one of the few high school students who could sound close to professional. Such marvelous tones of soaring crescendos and dramatic chromatics attracted the attention of Fritz’s beloved cat, Felix. The cat’s ears perked immediately the moment the opening notes of the piece were played, and he slowly made his way over to the source of the noise. At first unnoticed by Fritz, Felix sat nearby and listened with intense interest. However, halfway through the piece, he decided that he simply had to say something.

“Wow Fritz that’s really good you really impress me you know I wish I could play a musical instrument but hell I can’t even talk wait a minute I’m talking right now well shit how do you like that!” Felix blurted out in a time span of about 6 seconds. Fritz simply froze. He stared wide-eyed at his feline companion for what seemed like ages to Felix, until he could finally muster a respectable “WHAT… THE… FUCK?!”.

“Yeah that’s right Fritz I can talk I can talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk all day and never stop man I’ve been waiting so long to finally talk I’ve just been holding it all in ever since I’ve known oh MAN it feels so great to talk right now oh and by the way sorry but I’ve always wanted to tell you the way you snuggle my face is kind of creepy and I don’t really like it much I appreciate that you care about me and all but that’s just sort of creepy so if you can back off just a little bit that’d be swell!”.

“WHAT… THE… FUCK?!”

“Yeah Fritz I get it you’re surprised but can’t you say anything else what’s the matter cat got your tongue ahahahahahahaha! Oops sorry I guess its in poor taste to laugh at your own jokes but MAN you have to admit that was comedy GOLD!”.

“THIS… IS… SO… FUCKING… AWESOME!” Fritz exclaimed with unreserved ecstasy. A real, live talking animal would have been of intense interest to Fritz in any case, but the fact that his own pet could not shut up was overwhelmingly joyous. “God! This is like getting a… I don’t even know what! All I know is that it is BAD! ASS!”

“Ohoho if you think that’s badass then wait until you see what comes next man I think you’re going to love this of course I don’t know if the shock of seeing me talk has scrambled your taste in music or something but I don’t know I still think you’re gonna love this!” Felix rambled happily, waving his protruding paws wildly in the air.

“Jesus, what could possible be better than – “ Fritz halted as he caught sight of two figures swimming in his pool on the very outer edges of his peripheral vision. As if the two figures sensed Fritz’s attention immediately, they began to ascend from the disrupted waters of the pool. Fritz squinted, and gasped as he realized who the two figures were – John Linnell and John Flansburgh, the two Johns that formed the famous duo They Might Be Giants. Fritz thought he would pass out as a flurry of stars flashed in and out of his visions – what was originally a depressing, uneventful let-down was becoming what would eventually be known as the greatest moments in anyone’s life, ever.

“Alright, Fritz, this one’s for you, buddy!” Flansburgh announced as a song rather mysteriously came to life. The opening notes seemed to be played on a rather shabby accordion. However, this meant all of the world to Fritz, as he knew immediately what song the duet was about to perform as a personal gift to him.

“I was stirring up… a stirrup… cup… in a stolen sterling sty…”. This was enough for Fritz. Whatever lament he felt over the absence of his invitees was forgotten. It just couldn’t get much better than this. That was, until Felix interrupted the entire scene.

“Whoa guys I think you should stop now I think I heard someone knock at the door and I figure it might be important so I think we should let Fritz open the door before we continue on here but you guys sounded great really you did I wish I could play a musical instrument but hell I can’t even talk wait a minute I’m talking right now well shit how do you like that!”
Fritz glowered a little at his cat, but nonetheless obliged to his request. He paced regretfully to his front door, and turned the knob.

In front of him stood a woman in her early 20’s, with black and pink hair, sporting an Iron Maiden tee shirt.

“Whoa, is that you, Ang–“

A heavy blow from the woman’s fist onto Fritz’s face broke off his words. This spontaneously caused him to have a heart attack. He keeled over and died.

James "Kibo" Parry's website is, in my opinion, one of the funniest sites out there. If you didn't already figure it out, Kibo.com is his website address. (By the way, my FAQ section is based on Kibo's.

KIBO QUOTES
"I am fascinated by bad propaganda. You know, stuff on the level of "Duh, look at me! I bought the wrong brand of yogurt and it gave me a bad comb-over and giant eyebrows and untucked my shirt, because I am stupid!""

"Man, playing Yar's Revenge on a 110-baud teletype just isn't as much fun as it should be."

"THAT... WAS... NO... DOLL! THAT... WAS... MY... WIFE!"

"Big deal. I have contact lenses with pictures of eyeglasses printed on them to make people think I'm not so vain that I wear contacts. BEAT THAT!"

"Blowing up the Earth would be the only way to disprove my theory that we're not living on Earth, we're living on the Sun. So choose one -- blow up the Earth or admit I'm right."

FOR EVEN MORE RANDOM QUOTES, CLICK HERE!

ADVENTURES INCOMPLETENESS - James "Kibo" Parry
Spot was taking a shower when he remembered the doorbell might be ringing and he couldn't hear it. He hopped out of the shower stall and checked. There was nobody there, like the last twenty times he'd looked. He took another thirty seconds of his shower and checked again.

This time friendly Mr. Mailman was there! In his sparkling blue United States Postal Service uniform, Mr. Mailman smiled warmly as he held out Spot's very own Free Sample of BLAST-FROSTED YUMMY WONDER-O'S!

"Gosh, thanks!" yapped Spot, taking the tiny box and slamming the door in Mr. Mailman's face. Spot examined the package. FUN SIZE, it said. This meant that the cereal would taste extra-special, even better than the big size! It was made of little ring-shaped clusters of genuine Swiss milk chocolate and real ripe raspberries, embedded in giant sugar crystals. M-m-m! Each one of the little rings contained a tasty edible microprocessor which would warn you the moment the cereal went stale, to ensure that you were eating it at the peak of freshness! Spot ripped the box open and was about to dump the contents into his big mouth when he noticed:

BLAST-FROSTED YUMMY WONDER-O'S ARE A PART OF A COMPLETE BREAKFAST.

Oh no! This meant that Spot couldn't eat them until he completed the breakfast! He added a glass of orange juice, and some buttered toast with grape jelly, and a pitcher of milk, and half a grapefruit, and tomato juice, and a bowl of Cheerios, and some Wheat Chex, and a Pop-Tart, and a steak, and some grated Parmesan...

He looked at the box again to see what else he was missing. Perhaps the nutritional information (required by law) would give him a clue. They said that the Blast-Frosted Yummy Wonder-O's contained at least two percent of his daily requirement of twenty essential vitamins and minerals! The box only listed essential vitamins and minerals, not essential oils, so Spot poured a gallon of Mazola over his Wonder-O's. (He always liked to drink some essential oil every day, because his doctor said he'd die otherwise. Spot considered essential oil to be rather important.)

Just then, the neighbor's cat strolled past the window, and Spot ducked behind the sofa where she wouldn't see him. This reminded him that the complete breakfast didn't yet have--yuk--cat food. He called his neighbor and borrowed a can of Science Diet Feline Maintenance, dumping the glop into the bowl of oil which held the Wonder-O's and the grated parmesan. Spot hated the idea of eating cat food, but it was worth it to get to eat the Blast-Frosted Yummy Wonder-O's!

After adding rutabagas, and garlic, and beef tongue, and kiwi gelato, and sushi, and a very rancid Necco SkyBar, and a rock, Spot was about to take his first bite of the complete breakfast when his eye fell on the morning paper. (He pushed it back into its socket before reading the headline.)

CITY IMPROVEMENT PLAN DEFEATED

MAYOR EATS PROPOSED NEW CLOVERLEAF INTERCHANGE FOR BREAKFAST

Spot yelped in surprise! He hadn't realized that a cloverleaf interchange was required for every complete breakfast, but he put one in anyway. And a player piano, and some Zima, and a mousetrap, and a hovercraft full of eels, and a dance belt.

After scouring the Isaac Walpole's "The Compleat Breakfast" and the Oxford English Dictionary for ideas, he threw them on the huge pile as well, and at long last Spot's breakfast was complete! He stirred it all together with his spoon and took a biiiiig biiiiite.

It was the rock. Spot broke most of his teeth as he chewed it up and swallowed it.

"Warning!" shouted all the microchips in the Wonder-O's, "Your breakfast is no longer complete! The Blast-Frosted Yummy Wonder-O's (a registered trademark of Advanced Synthetics Inc., supermarket to the Universe) will now self-destruct! STAND CLEAR!"

Spot cried as his breakfast exploded. Then the neighbor's cat came in and ate it.

THE END
For more stories, click here.

KIBO PICTURES AND CAPTIONS
All of these pics are taken by Kibo, not me, and the quotes are made by Kibo, not me, I had nothing to do with this. (Also, the story was Kibo, not me either.) For more pics, click here.